On the First Day of Skullfuckmas, DO XIII gave to me…

A sparklevamp who likes to climb trees!

…

…Or, at least, we meant to. See, the video for the Twilight spoiler is on my portable hard drive and I accidentally left that in my office as I was in a rush to get out of work because we had a friend over for dinner, and and and…

So here’s my Twilight bit as performed at JohnCon ’09. There will totally be a proper video tomorrow, we promise on the sacred crown of King Skullfuckmas.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[UPDATE] Hey, fixed that for ya.

Click here to view the embedded video.

…Just kidding, I meant “Drinks.”

I drove down to Philadelphia this weekend with Angie (who you may recall from the NYAF fanfic panel) to visit our friend Amanda, so that we could see New Moon.  (I refuse to use that “Twilight Saga” bullshit; it doesn’t count as a saga if the plot points from the ENTIRE SERIES could barely fill a Twitter post.)  Having learned from Twilight that a little drink makes the movie a lot better, we snuck in an entire bottle of rum and a 1.5 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper.  This was the greatest idea we have ever had.  By the end of the 2 hour “How Many Shirtless Men Can You Take?” endurance, I was pleasantly buzzed, Amanda got progressively louder with her movie sass-talk, and Angie was DRUNK.  I assure you, this is the best way to watch the Twilight movies.  Eclipse is allegedly coming out on IMAX this summer, and we can’t decide if we can handle drinking and three-story-tall sparklevamps.  If we vomit into someone’s hat, you’ll be the first to know, dear readers.

So in case you find yourself in a movie theater to see New Moon, I offer you the New Moon drinking game!  Or, you know, just stay home and drink with someone you know who’s read the books and play a rousing game of “Twilight Means Never Having To Say You’re Kidding.”

New Moon Drinking Game

Drink every time:

• someone takes their shirt off
• someone randomly appears shirtless
• one of the actors makes a “jizz in my pants” expression (you’ll know it when you see it, trust me)
• a sidelined character seems vastly more interesting/awesome than Edward, Bella, or Jacob
• thinly veiled excuses for domestic violence are made (NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW ANGRY THIS MADE ME)
• Bella doesn’t get to drive her own damn truck because she is a sillee wummin and it’s a man’s jerb to driev
• magical ghost Edward appears
• Bella is a total asshole to someone who honestly cares about her

Now that should get you drunk enough on just the shirtless rules alone, but if you want to play the extra hard turbo levels…

Chug:

• when you get to the part of the movie representing the 8 BLANK PAGES
• the proposal

To be fair, this movie was better than the first one, and both movies are better than the books.  But the entire time, I just kept thinking I’d rather be watching “Face Punch.” (If anyone knows anyone at Summit, I NEED a Face Punch movie poster. Seriously.)